So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
