Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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