Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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