I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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