that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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