why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
