Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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