there was a trapeze. enough said
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
