hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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