Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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