haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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