I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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