If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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