areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i think i have herpe
just one?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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