remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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