I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
