My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
