Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
