Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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