where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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