Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
