So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
