Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
