he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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