and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
