i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
