i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
