I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize