So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
