hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
This toilet bowl is my home.
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