I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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