I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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