I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
