I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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