whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
