Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
