He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
