Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
