I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
