I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
