What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
