We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
