ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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