Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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