i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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