dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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