If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
