My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
