It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
