i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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