On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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