What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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