I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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