You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
