Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
