I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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