It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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