When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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