My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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