I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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