Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
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He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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