i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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