I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
